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Copyright 2006 X Y Communications
Have you ever been out on a date and things were just a little, welloff? There was just some "vibe" in the air that was decidedly causing you to be having no fun whatsoever. I think you know exactly what I mean. Maybe you just couldn't quite put a finger on just what it was that was making you uncomfortable, but you had a feeling your instincts just couldn't be lying to you. THENit happenedeither your date said something or did something that just broke things wide open. And you couldn't wait to get OUT. What happened?
You had the classic case of the "heebie-jeebies", that's what. This factor is a major cause of bad dates everywhere and any discussion thereof promises to be way too complex to fit in a single newsletter. As such, this is the first in a two-part series.
So how do we define being "creeped out" anyway? Check this out:
hee#8231;bie-jee#8231;bies#8194; - [hee-bee-jee-beez] noun (used with a plural verb ) Slang. A condition of extreme nervousness caused by fear, worry, strain, etc.; the jitters; the willies (usually prec. by the): "Just thinking about ghosts gives me the heebie-jeebies." [Origin: 190510, American; rhyming compound coined by W. De Beck (18901942), American comic-strip cartoonist]
I don't care if the term was coined by a comic-strip cartoonist, it's not funny. When the above happens, YOU my friend have been CREEPED OUT.
Gnarly.
It's bad enough to have been "creeped out" on a date or two in your life. What's even worse is if you happen to have been the one who is DOING the creeping. Have you ever thought of that?
I think everyone fully realizes when he or she is being creeped out. But who genuinely realizes when they are the ones who are coming off as creepy? Unfortunately, my guess is almost nobody.
So how do you get a handle on this? Well, if you have been going on a lot of first dates that don't turn in to second dates this topic is worth a hard look. If you are going on a lot of first dates that seem to start well and somewhere take a turn for the worse mid-stream this topic is worth an even harder look. And this holds true no matter what gender you are. Yes ladies-guys can and do get fully creeped out also.
There are a "dirty dozen" factors that have a very high probability of giving your date the "willies". Today, let's cover the first half:
1) Space Invaders
Standard procedure here is, of course, eighteen inches of space between you and a stranger. On a first date situation you absolutely, positively want to honor that. There is nothing creepier than someone who is getting way too close too quickly. When seated at a restaurant or a movie (which I hope all who are reading are sensible enough to avoid on a first date), be sure not to crowd the space there either, generally speaking.
Oh yes, and avoid invading space for the rest of the date also until you are sure there is chemistry. Then start with hand holding, please.
2) Touchy-feelies
This factor, although similar to the first, is decidedly different. Recently I was asked about how to greet a person you are meeting for the first time on a first date. My recommendation is not to push for a hug, while remembering that handshakes on dates are lame also. Guys, if a woman offers a handshake when you first meet her, do us all a favor and either tease her for it or grab the hand and lift it to your mouth, kissing the back of your own hand instead. Anything but a handshake.
To be honest, nobody ever said you had to touch someone as soon as you meet him or her, although you wouldn't know this given the number of men in particular who want to grab women's hands and not let go, hug them, rub shoulders and all sorts of other invariably creepy things. Perhaps the concept of not having to touch someone upon meeting them will be tremendously freeing for you.
Guys, wanting to touch and/or hold onto women you barely know is a bad idea all the time. I've even known men who meet a woman, take her hand and proceed to play with her fingers and what not during the entire (brief) time he is talking to her. Wow. Creepy.
3) Eccentricities
You know, it's true that individualism is a good thing. Most of us like someone who isn't generic. That makes this point a particularly difficult one to convey effectively. Yet, I'm going to try. Essentially, if you are wearing, saying or doing something that almost nobody else does, the chances are good that you are creeping dates out. If this applies to you and you aren't getting any dates at all, so much more so the probability.
For example, some women wear black nail polish. That's individualistic. Almost no men do, especially if they are dressed normally otherwise. That would be creepy. See what I mean? In case you don't, here's another example. Some people use the word "famously" instead of "fantastically". It's actually somewhat unusual for a woman to do so, maybe saying, "You and I are going to get along famously." I actually find that usage of the word endearing. Now if she punctuated every sentence with "famously", that would be creepy.
4) Disgusting Habits
One time a woman told me that she gave a date her business card at dinner and he proceeded to clean his fingernails with it while they were talking. Gross.
There are an endless supply of examples here, most of which would be self-explanatory. But here are some ideas anyway. Don't spit while a date. Ever. Especially at your date. Say it, don't spray it, okay? Please wash your hands after going to the lavatory. Don't pick at the back of your pants or your crotch (guys especially). If you haven't ever studied table manners, chances are yours need work. Get a book and learn.
And for heaven's sake, use a Kleenex.
5) Strange Nervous Habits
Fidgets, funny laughs, rubbing hands, etc. all classify as such. Most nervous habits are as individual as the person performing them, but they invariably make the other person equally nervous. So stop it. Not only are weird nervous idiosyncrasies creepy, they convey an utter lack of confidence.
That's a tough "double whammy" to overcome when trying to attract someone, right? Pay particular attention to the "vibrating leg" thing that often happens when seated. You know, when you just have to bounce your leg up and down for no reason. Stop that.
6) Fishy-eyed Stares
OK, here it is. Yes, "eye-contact" is a good thing when showing someone you are interested. Please, however, be sure to actually look away sometimes. And do us all a favor and BLINK, finally, will you? This point holds true whether you are on a date or in any social setting, actually. One time while I was still working in the IT world, I was at a business meeting of about 15 or 20 people all seated around a big table. I looked over at one point and my boss was giving me the glazed-over fisheye treatment. I'm not sure if he was just so bored he had simply lapsed into Neverland or what, but the impact on me was significant enough that I still remember it. Eeesh.
So there are a half-dozen sure-fire ways to creep out your date (or anyone, for that matter). Note that the six we discussed today are tied to actions and/or appearance. Next time, we'll hit a half-dozen points related to the words you use.
Want to hear more? Scot McKay is a dating coach in San Antonio, TX and founder of X Y Communications, a one-stop-shop for dating resources. He is the author of the books "Deserve What You Want" and "Cook For Your Date", and hosts the popular podcast series "X Y On The Fly". He may be reached at scot *at* xandycommunications.net or on the Web at www.dating-advice.us/ and www.romantic-dinner.com/ .
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