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By Barbara Morris, R.Ph.
Many years ago, a case known as Torcaso v. Watkins established that belief in God was not necessary for a belief system to qualify as a religion.
I never forgot about the case and over time, it became clear that in addition to established mainstream religions there were a whole bunch of belief systems, complete with non theistic "articles of faith" that could easily qualify as religions as established by Torcaso v. Watkins.
For example, one of our most entrenched non-theistic belief systems relates to accepted practices and thinking for those "of a certain age." It's what I call the religion of Fogeyism Don't laugh. It is so insidious that many, if not most people at midlife or beyond are practitioners to some degree without realizing it.
Let's take a look at some of the "thou shall" and thou shall nots" of Fogeyism along with my anti-Fogeyism commentary:
Thou shall take pride in referring to thyself as an "old broad" or "old geezer" and associate only with other old geezers or old broads for thee has found pleasure in the adage that misery loves company. In response to "how are you?" always reply, "Oh, I'm okay for an old geezer/broad." This establishes thy commitment to Fogeyism.
(You are what you say you are. I am so bummed out by the old broad and old geezer stuff that I promise to report to Judge Judy (when she is at her crankiest and spewing fire and brimstone), anyone who calls him or herself an old broad or old geezer. She may sentence you to associate only with certified old geezers and old broads and I promise, you will regret your decision to adopt this article of faith of Fogeyism.)
Thou shall wear a t-shirt with emblazoned with large bold print that announces, "I'm retired and doin' nothin'." It's the official sign that thou art a proud practitioner of Fogeyism.
(Better to wear a t-shirt that says, ""Yeah, I'm retired but I'm working to make the world a better place.")
Thou shall proselytize for of the religion of Fogeyism. That means thou shall lead others to join the fold. Thou shall do so by reminding friends and relatives of "a certain age" that they are getting old and senile. To reinforce thy efforts, thou shall send negative birthday cards to assure them they are indeed losing it. Also, thou shall send gifts of Ex-lax and Milk of Magnesia or Geritol to reinforce the intent of thy message. The point is to get as many believers as possible to join thee because there is strength in numbers and remember, misery loves company.
(Please no more demeaning greeting cards or "gifts" that remind of advancing age. Instead, send a greeting that tells the recipient how wonderful they are, and do not refer to age. After all, age is just a number! You will feel wonderful and so will the recipient.)
Thou shall engage in negative self-talk that hastens decline and limits thy potential, with comments such as "I'm too old to do that," or "I'm too old to learn anything new."
(Again, you are what you say you are, so be careful how you talk about yourself. If you don't say positive things about yourself who will?)
Thou shall not (if thou art a mature woman) have a relationship with a male significantly younger than thou art. If thou choose to do so, thou will be marked as a cradle robber and thy hapless significant other will become the object of derision and said to be in need of a mother. However, if thou art a male and find a decades younger woman dumb enough to endure thy Fogeyism, thou art (wink wink) a lucky duck.
(When will we figure it out? Women live longer than men. Women should marry younger men. I've seen lonely, older widowed women go to ridiculous lengths to get the attention of the most eligible (and that ain't saying much) widower at the senior center. Let's face it, an older woman is a great catch for reasons too numerous to mention (and you do know what the reasons are, don't you?). Old guys generally are not a great catch (and you do know why they are not, don't you?) It's as simple as that. Feel free to disagree.)
Okay, Fogeyism may not be a religion, even a half baked one, but you will have to agree, we live in a society that tolerates, promotes and even celebrates Fogeyism. It's difficult to avoid the "articles of faith" but you can when you recognize they exist to make you part of the Fogeyism flock. Shun the articles of faith of Fogeyism as you would the devil! Amen, brothers and sisters?
Barbara Morris, R.Ph. is a pharmacist and youth preservation strategist. She is author of Put Old on Hold. Subscribe to her newsletter and recive free ebook, "Diva Tested Tips for Fabulous Sklin." Barbararsquo;s expertise has been cited in Art Linkletter and Mark victor Hansenrsquo;s new book, How to Make the Rest of Your Life the Best of Your Life.
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